Green is my color.

May 23, 2018

Anybody having gone through this before have a timeline for when the jealousy stops? Or perhaps an idea of when I will be able to feel true and lasting joy for people? I am a happy person. Dammit. People tell me I am like sunshine and joy and love. I still am. Shockingly. But this has certainly soured my feelings on marriage. And I get twinges of jealousy when I hear about engagements. Or babies. Or puppies. You know this. We've already discussed it. All the babies. All the puppies.

 

I look at the perfect squares of Instagram and facebook posts of family vacations and flowers for no reason and, you know, husbands and think cranky and sad thoughts. Which is annoying to even write. Gah. Such first world problems. Do these platforms tell the whole truth? Absolutely not. No. Uh-huh. Nope. But not knowing the back story makes it hard to reconcile the reality with the public persona. All I have are those curated squares and edited posts. Maybe that is the truth. Maybe my friends are all living glorious lives of emotional, financial, familial and personal fulfillment. While I am over here trying to keep the Hot Mess Express from going off the rails. Maybe. Envy has never been a comfortable place for me. I am trying to let it be and then let it go. Easier said than done. 

 

This  phase won't last forever. Nothing does. Feelings are temporary. Fleeting. Pema says we are the sky and everything else is the weather. My weather has been kinda crappy lately but I have a feeling change is coming. Thinking it makes it so. (And did I want to end this post with an Annie song? You bet I did. I didn't. I refrained. Sorta.)

You can share or not. I'll love ya anyway.

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