He's said things.

May 4, 2018

Mostly the things that I thought I wanted to hear. Certainly the things that I begged and pleaded and cried and yelled and prayed for last year. Things like feelings and the importance of family and the willingness to work together on even the hard stuff. In his words, especially the hard stuff. He even mentioned more babies and a dog. Ummm, hi, who is this person?

 

I have responded with boundaries and my same answer which is, "That's a no for me, dawg." But it is exhausting. And I feel like I am, yet again, being forced to be the decider. Which sucks. Because then there, technically, is nobody to blame but myself. In theory. But in actuality, not true. I made the final call, literally I called him at 4:15AM, but I didn't see another option. Still don't. These texts are difficult to read and painful and result in a lot of emotional...muck. 

 

 

All the things I have wanted. Always and forever. Give me all the babies. And puppies. I will take one canine and one human litter, please. But even with those things dangled in front of me, my answer is still no. I thought the yes through. I did. It seemed great. Financially and logistically. Another adult. Two more eyes and another set of hands. But it wasn't a yes for love or intimacy or even friendship. Those things are gone. But the loss of those things were reactionary. There was a clear cause and effect. I am out of the yuck. I don't want to willingly walk into that again. And you know what? I can get a dog. Solo. And if I really wanted to, I could have another baby. Solo-ish. So the question is, is it worth the risk? I know the answer. I haven't wavered since August 17, 2017. So, no. Without explanation. Simply, no.

Anybody want to share this with someone who is giving away free puppies? We need a pup. For love and a little bit of a protective bark. Just sayin'.

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