42 years young.

June 29, 2018

Today's the day. It's my birthday. The actual day I entered the world 42 years ago. I have packed quite a bit into 42 years. Some years busier than others. 40 was tough. 41 wasn't my favorite. But 42 is shaping up to be pretty spectacular.

 

 

Over the past few months, things have been hard. Well, easier in some ways and harder in others. Money is tight. Like, jeans out of the wash, lay on your bed, use a safety pin, suck it in, can't breathe, pray the button doesn't fly off and cause somebody to lose an eye - tight. So there was a moment, or ten, where I thought we were going to have to cohabitate. Again. Him living in the basement and the main floor becoming this weird quagmire of belonging to nobody. Me upstairs with the munchkins still querying as to when he would be home because, hi, is that you or some stranger coming in to murder me and my kids. I have an active imagination. And some anxiety. It plays out in weird ways.

 

But then I started to look at the cost in a different way. Easier for bills? Oh, for sure. Easier in emotional and mental ways? For sure no. So I didn't offer it. I didn't mention it. I brought it up only to my inner circle whose reactions ranged from - I love you and will support you in what you need to do - to - Let's polish up that resume and figure out ANYTHING else first. I appreciated both. I am a lucky girl. Following that reasonable and minor freak out, I have spent some time thinking about what I want and deserve. And you know what? Dangit if I don't have another 50+ years of life to live.

 

I will take this current phase of hard and lonely and uncomfortable because I know it's a phase instead of IT. I know that now. I also know that I have chosen wisely. I chose this to be a phase instead of IT. That is what this birthday is. The celebration of phases. All of which come and go. And a celebration of choice. The hard ones. The adulting ones. The ones that matter. The ones that make the mountain top view sweeter for having slogged through the valley and the climb. It's gonna be a good year. And the start of many, many more to come. Now where's my cake?

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