Since you've been gone.

August 13, 2018

This would be therapist homework #2. This lady gets me. She knows how I love a list.

 

It has come to my attention as I clawed my way up from the depths of Hell, that I am better off now than I was then. Not just because many people are better off a year after they discover betrayal and douchecanoe-ery but because I am truly happier. Healthier. It's visible. In my countenance, my behavior, even my aura if I may. This is not to say this is how I wanted things to go. It's not and I am still sad. It is to say that once I knew we were on this ride, I was going to Mary Poppins the hell out of it. 

 

 

So here's where we are. A year later.

 

Then - yoga, quiet time, please don't be loud/annoying/normal kids when Dada comes home. Let him ease in. 

Now - dance party before bed? Umm, yes, please.

 

Then - a spill or accident or bad idea where someone might get hurt met with anger and yelling by an adult and fear, tears and sadness by the littles.

Now - an apology, a band-aid and ice, an admonishment, mayhap even an I Told You So and we all move on.

 

Then - clothes and bedtime becoming a chore but rewarded by the fire pit with a nice beer.

Now - jammies all day, firefly capturing, kids with dirty feet and sweaty heads in bed. But no beer. I like expensive beers. Darn it. 

 

Then - messy house and sink full of dishes.

Now - much cleaner house and sometimes the sink isn't full of dishes. Is a cleaner house less stressful? Yep. Am I one person? Yep. Do the kids help? Sure. Ish. Will I snuggle for longer and read an extra book and leave the dishes for the morning? Every. Damn. Time.

 

Then - Tired landscaping in the front but hostas in the back waiting patiently for planting.

Now - Landscaping that makes this girl's eyes smile and heart sing. See that? I did that? I didn't wait for help. I just did it. (That used to be my MO. Getting my groove back.)

 

Then  - Constant apologies for not being [insert whatever] enough.

Now - Fuuuuuuuuuuck* that. I am enough. Always have been. Always will be.

 

Then - Can you help me fix xyz? ::Crickets followed by swearing::

(The swearing still happens.)

Now - Dishwasher? Check.

Car air conditioning? Check.

Car liftgate supports? Check.

Lawnmower? Check.

Snowblower? Ok. So next year. (I need some goals, you lot.)

 

Then - 5 humans in a queen bed. 2 adult sized.

Now - 3 humans in a king bed (1 in her crib. She pulls hair.). 1 adult sized. OR me sleeping like a starfish all by myself. Bliss.

 

Then - Let's do xyz aesthetic household improvements. ::Crickets.::

Now - Cheery front door? Check.

No more green entryway, stairway or hallway? Check.

No stair runners? Check.

Paint stairs? Check.

Paint kitchen cabinets? Work in progress.

 

Then - Huh, why don't we see abc friends any more?

Now - Oh, I see. Ok, great! Gotta check the calendar. We're a busy bunch.

 

Then - Swimming is a life-saving technique and not for enjoyment.

Now - Boys, I said get out of the water for the 87th time. 

 

Then - Trying to be everything to everyone. And failing.

Now - Putting myself first. Making myself happy. And watching the joy trickle down. 

 

This is partially tongue in cheek and partially true. It is hard doing it all solo. But the fresh, cheery, brightness of our home is absolutely reflecting the changes I am feeling internally. The kids, too. It is NOT all puppy dogs and rainbows. There are shit days. But I have gained more than I have lost and have realized that I have far more than I need. When I stop struggling, I float. It is the law.

 

*I think that is my first actual swear here. I tend to use Eff that. But that deserved to be uncensored. Surprised it took almost 8 months.

Share away. This is the uplifting one.

 

 

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