There are things that won't change. People are who they are to some degree. Plus, you don't want to change entirely. There has to be some part of the person you hitched your wagon to that remains. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about our cell phone bills. Maybe it seems stupid to you. To talk about bills and this one in particular. There are larger bills for sure. But this one is one of my toughest.
I first discovered the friendship through the cell phone bill. Over ten thousand texts in under three weeks. Did you know you can export a cell phone bill? You can. You can export it and put it in an excel spreadsheet. Then you can sort and search and categorize that bill in all manner of ways to make yourself crazy. I did that. And I analyzed that data to a degree that would have made my grad school stats professor proud. It sucked. No matter how I looked at it. It was hell and it still makes my heart hurt to think about it. But I couldn't stop.
When it was all swirling the drain, I would check the cell phone bill. Constantly. Even though it was a waste of energy and served no purpose. If there wasn't any communication between the two of them, I didn't believe it. If there was, I was pissed. Welcome to the world of affairs and betrayal. You're effed coming and going.
One of the first things he did when I decided it was over was to split the cell phone bill. He gave me reasons and I believed none of them. I didn't think there was a reason to split the account. It didn't matter what was on the bill anymore. There was no saving the marriage and they had all the freedom they wanted to be a couple. They could text and call however often they wanted. I did not miss being able to check the bill. It gave me a measure of peace. It gave me some freedom, too.
I still have a lot of trouble with the cell phone. When he's on it a lot I get nervous. When he's reading something instead of watching our show, I get annoyed. But I can't check the bill. And I don't want to be able to do so. It isn't worth it to me. If I said we were starting over and I was working on trusting him, I have to work on trusting him. Not having access to the bill is a huge step for me regarding trust. It is also a big step in doing things that work for me. I don't want to know what is going on. It isn't worth the energy and spiraling for me.
So we reconciled eight months ago and there has been no talk of joining cell phone accounts again. It actually feels kinda stupid to write about a technology bill and its impact on our marriage then and now. But that is the reality of the world we live in. Technology has an impact. Cell phones can be amazing. They can also be a kick in the crotch. I've experienced both. I have decided I don't need to look at the bill. I don't want to look. Because that is the healthier choice for me and, frankly, that is more than a good enough reason.